DB's Shorts: Sun and Moon

I was there.

Lena stepped close, too close to the railing.((comment: I used railing since it sounds better than metal floor. Please tell me what it's called.))

"Lena, don't!'"I said.

"It's okay,"she answered softly. She closed her eyes.

I heard the train.

"Lena, please." I could already see the light coming.

She looked at me. She gave me a smile, a smile that I only saw when we were younger, before life casted us out into the world, only...it was a bit different. Her smile was not exactly sad, but serene. She was beautiful. And the way she smiled, and the way her body was positioned...she looked like she was about to fly.

"Goodbye Selene. My sun." That was her last words. The words she uttered before she threw herself off.

The world suddenly shifted. It went into slow motion. All my senses froze, except for my sight.

I saw Lena's tiny body fall, slowly, gently, her hair tossed in every direction, her arms wide open.

I saw her body collide with the bus. Things shooting off to different directions. One, infact, landed and hit the center of my chest. I let it fall. I kept on looking. Staring.

Blood, her blood, splattered everywhere. Her body...it was too mangled, too gruesome like to be hers.

I couldn't comprehend...understand...no.

Lena didn't just die, right?

The blood...the body...it isn't hers, right?

I'm going to wake up and realize that it's all just a horrible dream, right?

Please.

This isn't happening, right?

The thing that hit me, the thing on the floor. It was shining. I saw now what it was. A pendant. One that i had seen all too many times before.

It was the moon. Lena's moon. My moonbeam.

And that was when it really hit me.

"Lena........"

~~~~~

It's been two weeks now.

My mother told me that after the 'accident', I started hyperventilating and passed out soon after. And she knew that because that was what the firemen told her. Funny. I don't remember anything of that.

It's been really strange. I wake up with this heavy feeling in my heart and I couldn't figure out why. It takes me a moment to remember that my best friend is gone. Not for a day, not for a week, not even for a year, but forever. That's when I start to cry.

I haven't been to school in days. I did go for 3 and a half days after what happened. But during the last day, I broke out during English class, screaming and crying. They had to send me to the Nurse's office. They called my mom, and when she arrived to pick me up, I told her that I couldn't stand it anymore. That I couldn't take any longer.

And it was true. The way the other students stared at me, the knowing looks, the smiles that said 'I pity you', the voices that I could clearly hear, gossiping about what happened. It was too much.

Every once in a while , I call Lena's number. Of course, it immediately goes to voicemail. Her voice sounds so real, so alive, it feels like she's talking to me on the phone. I know that I shouldn't be doing that, that it only makes the pain worse, that it makes it hard for me to let go.

I don't want to. I don't want to let go. Letting go means that I have to accept the fact that she's gone, and the only real friend I've got has left me all alone.

My mother tells me to take some sedatives. I don't. I want to feel the pain. I owe it to Lena, I owe it to her to remember each memory, remember it all, to do nothing, to feel nothing, and to feel everything. She deserves it.

It's the least I can do. It's the only thing I can do to atone myself, for not helping her, for not seeing it, for not stopping her.

~~~~

Her funeral is next week.

I don't know what to think. I don't even want to go. I don't want to see that...that box that contains her mangled body be buried, six feet under. I don't.

I'm on my way to her house right now. Her mother called me this morning, to ask me if I could get the clothes things of Lena that I wanted to have. I wanted to say no, but the sound of her mom's voice made me reconsider. Maybe her mom thought that removing her things would help stomp out the pain. Maybe.

When I arrived, after saying a quick hello to her mother, I ran straight to her room. This was my custom, and it wasn't going to change. She does...used to do that too.

I didn't want to get any of her clothes. Couldn't imagine it. So I only took the stuff on her drawer, like our shared diary, the friendship bracelet I made that was too small for her, and other stuff. The things I got were the only things that didn't make me immediately burst into tears when I saw them.

Finally, I was done.

I was about to go out when I remembered her plant. Planty. Stupid name yes, but, still. Planty was her pet, since her mother didn't allow any animals inside her house. I was scared that her mom was going to throw Planty away, so I took it with me too.

I drove home.

I placed all of the things in a messy heap on the floor. Frankly, I was exhausted by the different emotions I felt when I sorted out her things. I fell asleep.

~~~~

When I woke up, the first thing I remembered to do was water Planty. So I filled my watering cup, and was about to water her when I saw something wedge between its leaves. I put the watering can down.

I took it. That 'thing' was a letter. A letter addressed to me. From Lena.

Dear Selene,

Oh God, I thought. I read on.

I know that you're gonna get this. You were always the responsible one, so I'm sure that you're gonna offer to take Planty.

I also know that you'd be reading this after I die.

I know it in my bones, I know I will. I don't know how, just yet, But I will.

I'm writing to say sorry.

I'm sorry that you'll have to be in pain. I'm sorry that we won't see each other again. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I never told you I was depressed. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know.

Do you know how it feels, to be depressed? To be suicidal?

It feels bad. I'm constantly seeing things. Hearing things. Whenever I wake up, I see little angels, bloody, mangled, torn, saying things to me. Sometimes they scream. Usually, they tell me that it's my fault they died. That it's my fault for everything.

Whenever I line up my razors, I hear them. They say, "It's okay to die" over and over. And so I cut. I cut the places that nobody would see, like the part near my armpit, the upper part of my thighs. That's why you never saw.

On the rare occasions that they don't appear, I become frightened. I'm scared that they're out to take somebody else, somebody scarier, someone who'll do me in. And I'm scared of the fact that I will do myslef in, too.

I stop for awhile, just enough to wash the tears streaming across my face. I read on.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for dying, but I don't want you to blame yourself. Don't be depressed, don't turn out like how I did.

Remember when we were little kids? After hearing that old fable, we started calling ourselves the sun and the moon. We even made pendants. I still wear mine, but I haven't seen yours in awhile. What happened to it?

You know, I just realized how true it all was. You really are the sun, bright and vibrant. You were always smiling. You smiled when we first met, you smiled through school, and you gained a lot of friends. I'm still you're only 'real and truly true friend', as you call it, so I'm not jealous.

I was always the moon. A rock that didn't have anything in it, and stole it's light from the sun. I always depended on you, and I'm usually the tag-along. I'm the friend-because-I'm-the-friend-of-a-friend. You know, friend by default.

I'm okay, though. I'm resigned to my fate. I know I'll never be happy, but I sure was damn close when I'm with you.

So please, as my dying wish, keep on smiling, sun.

Love,

Lena

That was it. Her whole letter. Her whole goodbye.

Tears are streaming across my face.

But I don't feel sad.

I feel almost at peace. I feel like I can let go.

But before that, I know I have something else to do.

~~~~

It's her funeral. The whole school was invited, and I think that everybody went. I don't know, I'm not sure.

I'm supposed to give her eulology. I wait for my time to speak.

I read her letter to me aloud. I glance every once in awhile, and I see that most are crying, or trying not to cry. I am one of them, too, really.

After I read it, I start talking. Saying the things I should've said.

"Lena, you're not only my bestfriend. You're like my own sister. Ever since that day we met, we were inseperable, and that's not without reason.

"You're wrong."My voice breaks." I realize now that you're a star of your own. Hear me? You're not the moon, you're a star! You shine bright, brighter than I do. You just dont,"I gulp,"you just didn't see it.

"I'll always remember you. I promise. You're too important to be forgotten. You're too great.

"I also promise to keep smiling. I will not stop.

I close my eyes.

"My only wish is that we'll see each other again, someday. Hey, maybe we'll meet again in another life. If and when we do, I promise that we would still be best friends. And I promise that it won't end this way. I guarantee that.

"I hope that you're in paradise right now. You..you killed yourself, but you couldn't help it. God would understand, right, right?

I opened my eyes.

"Thank you, Lena. You're my bestfriend, brain twin...and star. I'll never forget."

And that was it.

And that's the end. I let go.