I shall be graduating tomorrow

Wow, I really messed up this 'challenge', huh?

Anyways, these are stuff I didn't post before:

Friday, March 1, 13

The sky is making me cry.

The shade and hue of the sky makes me think of life as it ends and begins, but the light as it falls from my curtains is evoking in me a somewhat bitter melancholy. This sky is a sky of lovers had falling in love, battles being won, lives being born, of lovers had falling out of love, battles being lost, lives being shed. It is a sky that’s making the reality of this day all the more clear.

Now, more than ever, is the perfect time for this particular sky. It is a beautiful sky, and it is a perfect sky. And today, on the day of the end of my high school years, the sky is the perfect sky of beginnings and endings, and it is making me cry.

~

(I posted before, just not here)

Well someone my parents knew got kidnapped and he's speculated to be dead now. I've never met him, don't even know his name yet for some fucking reason I'm crying my eyes out because God I don't know. I feel wrong somehow, crying over this person I've never met, never even heard of before today. I just, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'm actually just scared because that could've easily happened to me or anyone in my family. I don't know. Dammit I don't know. I just want to get my hands on those kidnappers and box them and kill or something. Jesus, if you're going to kidnap someone at least get someone who can actually pay the ransom. Where the fucking hell are they going to find that money dammit? Dammit dammit dammit.

~

(ditto)

Woke up yesterday feeling tired and wanting to die so I skipped school. Later on that day I found out that this compilation thing I need to do is a prerequisite to the formal graduation, meaning if I don’t pass it(technically them, I need to make two), I could still graduate, I just won’t be part of the graduation ceremony.

Did I also mention that the dead line was on Monday? Well, maybe. Everybody I’ve asked has been giving me different answers. Heck even the teacher is confusing me. He said last week that he’ll accept it anytime after the exams as long as it’s passed before the grad practices. So I thought I was good but shit I might not.
I tried doing it anyways but I couldn’t finish it and all it did was make the little episode bigger. Just looking at the papers and all the calendars and journals that I didn’t make frustrated me and made this feeling of dread in my stomach stronger.
Today I had to go to school to take the NAT exam and I was supposed to go to my group mate’s house to prepare for our oral defense but as soon as I went home I just felt so tired and empty and hopeless and useless that I just couldn’t summon enough strength to go out and do something, and it made me feel like crap because hey, once again, I’ve let people down. Hip hip hooray for me.
I was supposed to eat but the more I stared at my food the more I thought that it was the devil so I didn’t. And now I’m curled up in my bed and I’m trying to block out the little movies in my head. Yey?

~

(yep)

I fell asleep this morning and when I woke up I missed lunch. I wanted to schedule an appointment earlier, but oh well. Then I realized that I forgot the number to her clinic, so I checked the directory, couldn’t find it, and I started freaking out.
When I calmed down I texted my mom for her (the psychiatrist’s number). In the middle of doing so I broke down. It took me about 40 minutes to just write the damn text. I kept crying because it felt like I was admitting how fucked up I am, and I hated doing that to my mom. I hate disappointing my mom, I hate adding to her problems. Fuck it.
So I sent it after some time and now I’m trying to force myself to breathe and not throw up.

~

Two days till Graduation.

Today we had the Tribute to Parents. As per usual, we all had to present something, usual stuff like dancing, singing, big group number, as always.

The grade 6 students had their dance number after ours(not that I was a part of that-goodness no), and one guy in particular stood out. It was remarkable not because he danced well(though he did), but because when he started dancing I blurted out, “He’s [REDACTED]’s replacement,” which got me into thinking, “They are our replacements.”

It’s heady stuff, realizing that you’re going to be replaced. But as the saying goes, “Out with the old and in with the new,” we shall leave and they shall take our place. Welcome to hell, kids.

While we’re on the subject, I wonder who will be sitting on my chair next school year. Being that we would have shared the same objective point of view, how much will our subjective points differ? Will s/he notice the same things I did? What kind of person would s/he be?

Maybe it’s pointless thinking about that. In truth, we might not even have a shared objective point. I know when I left and said goodbye to the classroom it felt hollow and empty, because that classroom that I’ve pretty much lived in for that short while, a classroom I had been familiar with, a classroom that seemed like home less than an hour before, after cleaning, had turned alien. It seemed that as we went we took back the personality we gave it, and now it was just another room unfamiliar to us, a room stripped of its memories. Going back just isn’t the same, you know?

Maybe this is growing up. I wouldn’t know.

~

Today

Piracy: because not giving money is much, much better than giving a little, right? 

The above statement is stemmed from the common argument for internet piracy that record execs and etcs. don't give back enough money from the sales to their artists, which, as far as arguments go, is pretty weak IMO. 

(My stance on piracy: I am in the above average economic class. This means that I am able to pay for my books and whatnot, and so I do, whenever I can. In simpler terms. I buy what I want whenever I can, and I resort to it only when I have no other alternative, because hello, fricking third world country. Some things just aren't accessible.)

I was browsing a second hand-books store when I thought about this. It was having a sale, and as I was looking for good books and failing in such a pathetic manner, I felt conflicted. One, I'm happy that I couldn't find any good books(or at least, books by writers/with themes I like) because that meant that people who bought those books liked them too much to give it away and that I won't be pissing over my idols, but at the same time, I'm still a selfish human being, and I'm sad that I couldn't buy any good books oh no #third world problems #oh you thought just because I live in a third world country I wouldn't be troubled over these kinds of problems? #ha

~

I ramble.